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The Muse # 72 health & happiness

June 12, 2009

The news in this month of June confirms what we already know: it really doesn’t take that much to be healthy and happy; as a matter of fact, we all know how. Read on.

The story, “What Makes Us Happy,” featured in this month’s Atlantic, reports on the Grant study, a 72-year analysis of 268 people (male Harvard grads). Framed with the insights of its longtime director, George Valliant, and his seven major predictors of healthy aging, the article is a social-anthropological gem as well as deeply touching, personal portrait of the human condition.

Six of the seven factors of good health are indeed plain common sense, however, it is both relieving and reassuring to get them thus academically and empirically affirmed.

Six of  the major predictors of health and happiness are:

education
stable marriage
not smoking
not abusing alcohol
some exercise
healthy weight

No surprises there. Interestingly, there was a noteworthy difference between having four versus only meeting three of these basic criteria. The article reports that, “Men who had three or fewer of these seven health factors were three times as likely to be dead at eighty than those with four or more factors.”

What is the seventh, you ask? Dr. Valliant (you’ve got to love the name) has identified a personal skill or aptitude he calls “employing mature adaptions.” His theory starts out with a commonly accepted assumption: life means trouble, but it’s not the kind trouble you have that determines your degree of happiness, it is how you respond to the trouble you get.

This line of thinking led Dr. Valliant to begin to examine the defenses we humans employ as our response to what we are hit with in our lives. He distinguishes between four levels of adaptions, which he defines as unconscious responses to pain, conflict, or uncertainty. Formalized by Anna Freud (Sigmund’s daughter) adaptions are defense mechanisms that shape (or distort) your reality. The thought is that these defenses are designed by our human psychological make-up to make our own reality more bearable for us.

At the bottom of the four levels are defenses like paranoia, hallucinations or megalomania. The third level includes immature responses such as acting out, passive aggression, hypochondria, fantasy and projection. One level up, on the second level, are defenses that are more mature but impede intimacy, such as neurotic behaviors (I’m afraid many of us employ day-to-day) like intellectualization, dissociation and repression, which, the article reports, can involve “seemingly inexplicable naïveté, memory-lapse, or failure to acknowledge input from selective sense organs.”

The healthiest and most mature defense mechanisms are what Dr. Valliant calls the mature adaptions. They include altruism, humor and anticipation (being prepared for/not surprised when trouble hits, because after all, trouble is, in part, the stuff of life); also included on this healthy level is the popular defense mechanism of suppression which is defined here as ”a conscious decision to postpone attention to an impulse or conflict,” and respond with a healthy delay.  Finally, the healthiest category of human defence mechanisms also includes the quality of sublimation: finding healthy, responsible outlets for feelings such as aggression and lust.

In other words: the key to healthy aging is being mature. But there is another vital factor: healthy relationships. So, while youth may be wasted on the young, maturity is the gift of the aged, but a good circle of friends is the key to happiness as well as good health.

The article goes on to describe positive power of relationships, but many of the case studies also, sadly, remind us of the negative power of alcoholism. The story (which is very long) is a fascinating read as it contains both wise and all too human excerpts from the files of the interviews conducted every two years over the course of seven decades of living.

In reading the story, I was reminded that perhaps the biggest damage of our daily-grind of troubles, large and small, is not how it drains our energy, our life force, but how it disconnects us from it. The study, as well as the story of its current director, teach us that for human beings, life is not just a journey but a force: it is a force that we mostly underestimate and take for granted.

The article concludes that it is “social aptitude, not intellectual brilliance or parental social class, that leads to successful aging.”

To summarize:

Open your Heart.
Seek the Noble.
Dare to Dream.
Find a Quest.

A bird does not sing because it has an answer.
A bird sings because it has a song.
Chinese proverb.

Have a beautiful summer.

~ Marit.

I’ll see you in September. The Muse is on the move and a change is on the way.

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The Muse # 71 for the love of picnics

June 5, 2009

Plan A:  Next week, take a –

hat
bike
beverage

bread, cheese
chips, dip
veggies, fruits

something sweet

a blanket
a basket or backpack

Then find a place with –

rocks
grass
birds
trees
water

Perhaps also –

pets
lovers
children
family
friends

Plan B:
Do it today.

Enjoy the arrival of June.

~ Marit.

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The Muse # 70 party like the squirrel-cat

May 29, 2009

With most of our family members’ attention focused on an ailing grandparent, summer vacation of  2007 wasn’t all that fun for my twelve-year-old – until he discovered the squirrel-cat. It took a few encounters with this erratic, furry creature before it was clear that it, he, really was a cat and not a squirrel. A very small cat; with a disproportionately long, spunky and permanently fluffed-up, vertical tail.

The cat, it turned out, belonged to the student tenant in the basement studio of the large, wooden 1924 villa with a slightly overgrown yard, which, whenever the squirrel-cat was out, turned into a wild, random combination of a circus and a jungle. My son quickly became intoxicated with this physical apparition of perplexity and wonder, for he could plainly see that there was no leap too bold, nor a stoop too random for the squirrel-cat.

Exquisitely captivating but clearly a most spasmodic of God’s creatures, the squirrel-cat to this day brings its spark, lifts our spirits and enchants our imagination; it has become a rare and valued treasure. During the summer of ’07, the squirrel-cat expressed the celebration and liberation of the spirit that had not been free to reveal itself inside a house of rules, expectations and challenging circumstances. We don’t know this for sure, but we venture to guess that the freedom of the squirrel-cat was the self-evident, God-given manifestation of

no memory
no obligations
no agenda

This, combined with limit-less energy and rainbow–colored glasses that see the world as a circus-jungle, was to be the gift of the squirrel-cat days of that summer. It’s not a recipe for life, but perhaps just something to dwell on for a while, every now and then.

May the spirit of the squirrel-cat be with you as we wrap up the month of many changes called May.

~ Marit.

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The Muse # 69 ~ good karma blessing

May 22, 2009

may this day give you

strength

to lift what needs lifting

beauty

to see what needs softening

peace

to ease what needs solace

joy

to enlighten what needs light.

~ Marit.

“In the depths of our being, in body, mind and spirit, we know intuitively that we are created to love and be loved, and that fulfilling this imperative, responding to this vocation, is the central meaning of our life.”

Sam Keen

May 29   the squirrel-cat
June 5    for the love of picnics
June 12  health and happiness

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The Muse # 68 wild ducks ~ and the price of truth

May 15, 2009

The Norwegian playwright, Henrik Ibsen, wrote several plays about the price of truth. One of them is called The Wild Duck.

The wild duck in the play has been injured by the villain, a man of high society in a small town. He lives the highlife but harbors the secrets of his dirty deed of years ago, for which his friend and his friend’s family pay each and every day. Without his knowledge, his friend, the betrayed, has taken on caring for the injured bird. However, when the son of the villain takes on the role of a truth-monger, it becomes clear that the familiar pain of unseemly lies has become more comfortable and sustainable than the truth.

What is the price of truth? Where is the line in the sand? What is the price of comfort?

Like most of Ibsen’s plays, this one deals with both interpersonal and social dynamics of big egos faltering as they face, or don’t face, the truth. Their lives become a struggle to maintain their identity against the fragility of their own human psyche, or that of others. The conflicts result in dirty laundry being aired in the most rigid and presumably proper sorts of families and circumstances. The battle to maintain outward appearances sucks the life right out of people. Mind you: Norway is no fool for happy endings. Up there in the north-country, reality bites colder than the gale of the North Sea.

The weight of social mediocrity and the personal cost that comes with putting self-righteousness above righteousness; social dogma above mercy and humanity itself, are topics that are unearthed and dissected in most of Ibsen’s plays.

On the backdrop of the current debate of torture and truth, security versus freedom and the voice or tune of patriotism, I wonder what kind of play Ibsen would write if he lived in America today. What is the price of truth? What is the cost of American freedom and the brand of integrity in American democracy? What is the proper tit for tat?

Does government and government officials answer to a different truth than we do as individuals? How powerful is the law, and how good is it at judging truth?

Then again, Ibsen, may have chosen the social milieu of the armed forces in Baghdad and looked under the surface of bravery and the price of bravado, exploring the social dynamic behind the tragedy of the murder suicide in a counseling facility.

Whose truth matters? Every truth matters here, and must be honored, even though justice can never be served in this tragedy, lessons can be learned, as they will have to be, again and again.

The truth itself, as it were, may be our true north, but in life, truth is but a compass or a path. I don’t think anyone can stay on it without falling, loosing track of it and eat some dirt from time to time, and that includes our institutions. It seems like the price for serving truth paid by our soldiers as well as the authors of the infamous torture memos, is justified by the lessons we learn as we face the dark side of democracy: the undemocratic institutions and dogmatic processes (believe me, the army is no democracy; neither are the rigid bureaucracies of many other necessary evils of our society) all of which are required to preserve our democracy in a harsh and aggressive world. The truth behind the methods used to uncover it, is worth uncovering; in a civilization, it is perhaps the most important task of truth itself: to be, or to become, known. The lessons are unpleasant, but critical.

Judgment may not be perfectly just or fair, but judgment needs a voice in a democracy. Who was acting in the service of truth – of power – of liberty? Who was justified in compromising the law? Who was just following orders?

Democracy is messy, but it works as long as it has a voice. Living in a democracy, along with the privilege of freedom and the right to vote, comes the freedom and a duty to listen and keeping our eyes as well as our minds open, even to the most painful of screams and wrongs; especially then. And so, let the legal process in a democracy be the only power that is above any single law, executive order, or bureaucratic breach of contract.

It’s not a fun pep-talk today, but it is something to think about. Sometimes we just have to get comfortable with the uneasy parts of life; it is a good thing that democracy it’s not all black and white.

~ Marit.

May 22 good karma blessing

May 29 party like the squirrel-cat

June 5  for the love of picnics

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The Muse # 67 what body?

May 8, 2009

“Downward strokes are applied to the muscle to remove tension. Then upward strokes are applied toward the heart and circular thumb movements are applied for better blood flow. Pressure points are also pressed to enhance the blood flow.”

I quote this description of Indonesian massage from an internet site about mind-body services and it got your blood flowing before you could say, “apple strudel.”

If you are like most people, you spend the better part of the day disconnected from your body. It is an aspect of being human. To be totally mind-body conscious every day does not seem natural but rather self-centered and self serving.

A solution would seem to be to replace the on-off mind-world/mind-body switch with a more 21st century nouvelle raison (new reason; new truth) where in the background of our awareness, there is an ongoing, pleasing melody, an underlying soundtrack and in-between state-of mind that would run parallel to our sub-conscious and stay loosely connected to the conscious mind at all times.

Wait, we have a contraption like that already: In yoga, they call it breath. Your breath is your inner advocate and it has a great and powerful impact on both the state of your mind and your body. In many ways it is the key to the link between the mind and the body.

Write it on a post-it note: j u s t b r e a t h e

The description of Indonesian massage goes on to say that it is different from western massage in that very little pressure is applied, uses coconut oil, flower essences and is carried out on the floor with mats, on wooden benches or a chair (now that does sound kinky, or is it just me?) More research is warranted. Please report back on your findings.

What is your attitude toward your body: Do you see it as a temple or a nuisance?

Most of us take our bodies for granted until something goes wrong. Or, we wake up one day realizing that it suddenly requires a whole lot more maintenance; it’s all in the fine print in the contract called life. (I had a wake-up call playing racket ball with my 13 year-old this week).

Anyway, it is said massage helps us by stimulating blood circulation, tissues and muscles; plus it is effective relief for people suffering from constipation, heartburn, stress, tension and anxiety. Why wait? Schedule a massage today (Indonesian or any other kind) one for you, and one for your momma.

Happy Mother’s Day.

~ Marit.

“Age is an issue of mind over matter.
If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
Mark Twain

May 15 wild ducks
May 22 party like the squirrel-cat
May 29 for the love of picnics

“Reveal beauty,
inspire discovery,
create positive energy.”

www.ofwindandwater.com

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The Muse # 66 mind over matter ~ being unreasonable: to be or not to be

May 1, 2009

Fear is something to fear.

Just the thought of that information is annoying. The recent health scare can easily invade the darkest corners of our minds as well as our public spaces. It is true that what we have to fear is fear itself, but that’s not all, now we have to fear our fear of fear as well.

It’s not enough to try not to get paranoid in the face of mysterious, mutant viruses spreading diseases; too much focus on not being fearful is not healthy either. Fear of fear is self-centered, squashed energy and represents a total loss of power which has you end up living like the content of those kitchen garbage compressors: oxygen-deprived, constricted, under constant pressure and in the dark about what really is going on around you. All you see from there is garbage and no light.

Short term fears can serve a positive purpose and actually boost your immune system, but ongoing anxiety can cause all kinds of problems that have been well documented, including depression and runaway inflammation.

What is a healthy dose of fear?

About a bucket-load. The sensation of fear can be as abrupt and as dramatic as a solar eclipse, either putting your body on high alert and ready to fire or leaving you cold and immobile, like a bug under a rock in a cave. While our reptilian-like instincts may tell us to go crawl and hide under a rock, regular exercise as well as a healthy social network is the way to live through a bad spell while strengthening you immune system to boot. Many studies have even found that personal characteristics such as trust and good maintenance of friendships and social networks really do benefit your health. A healthy social network is a network that processes your fears, not the ones that rev them up. You know who they are. Isolation is really unhealthy; you’ve got to find a way to let that anxious energy flow without flowing over. If you have more fears than fit in one bucket: divvy it up.

Think of your family, fiends and neighbors as your bucket-brigade; together they can help you handle a truck-load. Your health as well as your sanity is a matter of communication. Much of the matter of our bodies as well as our minds is communication. So tap into your community as well as your inner voice.

There is an art and a science to controlling your mind. It isn’t as simple as positive thinking. While positive thinking helps, reason doesn’t seem to have much bearing on the basic and most primal, physical level of fear. Positive action has a greater impact on the mind than positive thinking because action helps to release some natural healing juices in your brain. By taking action you also interrupt and re-direct the runaway train of frightful thoughts produced by your brain’s machinery. To relieve anxiety, here’s a plan for your bucket brigade:

1. take a break
2. take charge
3. take action

Take a break by turning off the media-bombardment so you can process and think.

Take charge of your self by doing a reality check and take reasonable precautions.

Take action for others by connecting with family and friends; don’t isolate yourself.

After that, you can let go: there is a time for reason and a time for un-reason, including leaps of faith. You can invent a mantra or say a prayer, or both. Twelve-step programs are not just for alcoholics, acts (and leaps) of faith are not just for the religious. To give your self over to a higher power may be easy for the faithful, but difficult for the realist, atheist or cynic. However, there is solid scientific data to support the common sense of faith. Faith is not about religion, faith is about saving good, reason and will. You see, without faith, reason is much more vulnerable to fear. Faith is about trust and letting go; replacing your fears with a personal connection to something greater than your self.

You may have heard the scientific community talking about it as the God gene: a human predisposition to believe in a higher power. The fact is, it is healthy to put your faith into the light of a higher power. It is an idiosyncratic truth that, in this, larger context, the less important your life might seem, the greater, more meaningful it becomes. The problem is that in operating all rationally, the mind thinks that it is the greatest! However, the mind just knows what it knows. Anxiety can cross wires and interrupt the circuits with more cunning than the mind can think.

Here’s to the mandate and paradox of unreason: Fear rules the mind. Faith rules the heart and your health too.

You choose.

~ Marit.

May 8 what body?
May 15 wild ducks
May 22 party like a squirrel-cat

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The Muse # 65 inner peace, step 4: tolerate your fool

April 27, 2009

Everyone has an inner fool. If you think you don’t: that’s the one. One way or another, your inner fool comes up for air, time and again. You don’t have to act like the three stooges or be gifted with the sharp-witted tongue of Winston Churchill, just learn to tolerate your fool.

People confuse peace and comfort. There is a difference between being comfortable and being at peace. If you are at peace, you don’t fight discomfort. On the other hand, if you are at peace, comfort does not make you ill at ease either. Key to inner peace is not to be attached to your notion of being comfortable. If you are a perfectionist or a procrastinator (the two often go hand in hand) you have probably decided that you either don’t need or trust inner peace or that you don’t deserve it. If you are a grump, a slob or a slacker (or just in permanent denial) you’ve become a flog-in-the-closet addict and secretly love beating yourself or someone else up for not living up to your potential or doing all the stuff you know you’re hiding from.

How do you make peace with mistakes, embarrassment and the stress of discomfort?

By making peace with your inner fool, or, at least enjoy the scuffle. Your lack of inner peace has less to do with your distress or discomfort than with your resistance to it. Know this: What you resist will persist. It is an ancient Buddhist wisdom and a fact of physics. (I write myself daily reminders.) Upset and anger is always a result of resistance or denial. Stop resisting. Accept the situation. If you feel misunderstood, ignored, or taken for granted, if you just want to yell and lash out in anger, that’s just because your fool wants the payoff: A reason to yell, throw a fit, or flick someone off. You fool! If you use your energy on rage or to fight your options, you will miss seeing the opportunities. Frustration is the outcome of fighting your options. Your inner child may grieve the loss of a dream, but it is your inner fool that fights reality itself. You inner teacher knows to discern what is worth fighting for. Save your grit for that.

Inner peace is not as far fetched as it sounds.
While step one to inner peace is all about the ant (being responsible without letting it suck the life out of you) step four is all about the grasshopper: There is no peace in avoiding life’s obligations, but you’ve got to love that freewheeling grasshopper too. He lives in the moment. Like a fool worth his britches, he seizes the day, come what may. Carpe Diem is not just for warriors and crusaders. Truthfully, they are who they are because they either know enough to tolerate their fools or because they blissfully ignore the traps.

Recently, I heard a radio interview with British actor Michael Caine who said that at the end of his life, he’d rather regret something he’d done than something he had not done. Like, “better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” This philosophy of risk and acceptance of failure is an ability that will enhance your quality of life and bring you a step closer to inner peace. It is not about throwing out all caution, it is about that great gift of being able to laugh or raise your eyebrows at your self and then move on; it is about love and forgiveness.

So, A) stand up for your quirks and weaknesses, and B) don’t choke your partner, kids or siblings for discovering your blind spots and rubbing salt in them. Be loving and tolerant to your inner fool, and the folly of others. When you feel like a fool, you may be full of judgment and overpowered by a sense of betrayal, but instead of being angry or hiding under a pillow, learn to forgive and accept the lesson. Be your own best friend, your ego really isn’t. Your ego is a decent warrior, but it is all about itself and its preconceptions; and, your ego is either stuck in the future or in the past. The true power of inner peace arises from the courage of facing the moment and the faith in knowing that, at the time, you did the best you could. Could it have been better? Maybe. Apology in order? Perhaps. But, you can take some solace in the fact that your life is not about you at all. Life is about seeing, about opening your eyes and dancing while the music is playing, and sometimes making your own when it stops.

Inner peace is a discipline, not a state of mind, it is about being the advocate of what really is worthwhile and not the accuser of everything that’s not.

Give your loved-ones permission to be foolish and tolerate your own foolishness.

~ Marit.

The 4 steps to inner peace:

1) see the fog
give your fog a place to settle
Muse # 61

2) find your rhythm
be the source of your rhythm
Muse # 62

3) trust your inner teacher
stop, listen, know what you stand for
Muse # 64

4) tolerate your fool
seize the moment, love the least of you
Muse # 65

If I devote myself to other pursuits and contemplations, I must first see,
at least, that I do not pursue them sitting upon another man’s shoulders.
I must get off him first, that he may pursue his contemplations too.
Henry David Thoreau

May 1 mind over matter
May 8 what body?
May 15 wild ducks

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The Muse # 64 inner peace, part three

April 17, 2009

Step One: see the fog
give your fog a place to settle
see Muse # 61

Step Two: find your rhythm
be the source of your rhythm
see Muse # 62

Step Three: trust your inner teacher
stop, listen, know what you stand for

You don’t have to be at peace to hear your inner teacher. A moment of silence, prayer, or a personal time-out will connect you to your inner voice – no need to text or dial anybody, just listen to the sound of your true self. Keep a charm or amulet with you at all times to help you stay in touch with what you stand for, what you most value. Little props help to support you and keep you focused on what matters and act accordingly.

Stress is like the spokes on a crooked wheel: it creeks and makes it hard to keep the going smooth or the tires rolling. Your inner teacher has a whole crew of coaches at his or her disposal to keep life in perspective and straighten things out. The coaches include your inner nurse, your inner trooper, and the angles on your shoulders. They represent three ways of processing your stress pragmatically.

Inner Peace Plan A
Whether your inner trooper is a warrior or a peacekeeper, he or she needs relief because this is your coping mechanism, your crisis manager. Your trooper is tired, most likely from digging out trenches and shooting from the hips; he or she is suffering from overload and lack of direction. Your trooper wants to act with integrity, but you keep throwing things at her (or him). With friends like you, who needs enemies? Give your trooper a hug, a cot, a blanket and a rest, then take walk; find a way to get outside and in touch with nature.

Inner Peace Plan B
Hurt and pain can get right in your face and will cause you to abandon what you truly treasure. In times of pain, find your inner nurse. H/she is the one with the Band-aids and the hot coco who will listen to your grief. Take a break and talk to your inner nurse. But, watch out: don’t think s/he’ll let you off the hook; before you think you are ready, s/he’ll drag you up and out of your self-pity, place and angel or two on your shoulders, and make you walk your talk. Tell your story all out, then move on.

Inner Peace Plan Z
Just like when you were a child, you still have angles on your shoulders that look out for you, but now they are usually embodied in real people or events. Be open to kindness and miracles. Peace comes in many sizes, and rarely in a clean, straight shot. Sleep on it. If you don’t make it through the night, turn on the light write out your troubles and your treasures.

Keeping your eye on what you treasure and your ear to your inner teacher will shift your focus from the battlefields, the scars and the broken wheel and turn it back to the destination and the journey. Keeping your eye on what you truly value is the centering, the place of peace that surrounds your true character; there is a blue print of it out there somewhere and your inner teacher has it. Inner peace is about integrity. This is where your inspiration meets your judgment. If you are out of touch or out of sync with this equation, look in the places, activities or people that inspire you the most and dig into why.

Don’t waste your energy on resisting a reality you don’t like or want, use what you treasure as your source of energy and focus on what to work for: Let that set your boundaries and stake out your ground.

Your inner teacher is wise, tough, brave and gentle to the world and to yourself.

~ Marit.

Muse News:
Find OOMuse on Twitter.com – meet the three muses and share in their escapades. Daily Tweets clue you in to their adventures, lamentations and revelations. The fun starts next week. You can also see the three muses twitter on The Muse’s blog: http://museofwindandwater.wordpress.com/

April 24 inner peace, step four
May 1 mind over matter
May 8 what body?
©Marit Solheim-Witt, 2009

“Reveal beauty,
Inspire discovery
Create positive energy.”

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The Muse # 63 happy sex tips for the month of April

April 15, 2009

snap. snap. snap!

Sex has an image problem: Socially, it is haplessly caught between stigma and high expectations, either a burden or an obsession. On a personal level, once the honeymoon is over, sex is caught between relationship-issues and the to-do-list.

In our well-meaning efforts to analyze, improve and understand sexual relations, a fully irrational realm of human endeavor, we have inadvertently created a monster by conceding executive powers to these lower body parts; powers that are much too far-reaching for their own good. Really. Too often, one or both people in a relationship are stressed out by the issue of sex itself, thinking that either – sex is a problem, shouldn’t be a big issue at all, or resenting the fact that it has been demoted to a boring to-do list.

Recently, several pastors have preached the sex-everyday-sermon from their pulpits and encouraged married couples in their congregations to have at it daily, whether they feel like it or not, and witness how it will improve their marriage. The idea may have something to it – to just buckle up and welcome sex in marriage as a soulful discipline, not just for procreation or recreation. However, the thinking is skewed: add another dogma to the high expectations, guilt and relentless perfectionism that is already rampant in our daily lives? Daily sex may help for a while, but, of course, for most of us, it is not sustainable over the long term anymore than any of the other “alwayses” or “nevers.” Instead of sex as dogma, practice it as a soulful discipline and consider testing this hypothesis: if sex is happy, you will be happier and get more of it too.

How did sex get its image problem? An ego that is too big for its britches, of course. In other words, sex has a minority complex. Sex thinks it should be center stage, but once its there, the stage is never big enough. In a twisted way, our efforts to become more open and educated about sex have at once dehumanized and over-cultivated it. Like everything else in our consumer culture, sex has become about consumption. In reality, sex is a natural resource and should be encouraged as a creative act, not as an entitlement or an appliance. Like a good pet, sex should be nurtured. But, if sex were a pet, think of it more like a cat than a lap dog. How do we domesticate it? Analyze it? Tell it what to do? Good luck. Sex just wants to be happy. Here are some ideas to make sex more up-beat.

Tip # 1
Snap out.
Do what it takes to lighten up. If it takes a movie, a prop or a new place to do it: Cultivate your sense of humor. Think of it as a spring project. Explore your funny-bone and that of your partner’s. You don’t have to be motivated by sex to enjoy it, but humor makes you more attractive and does attract more of it. Whether you don’t want it enough or don’t get enough of it, snap out of your corner: Lighten up – How laughing makes you stronger, friendlier, sexier; that is the cover story on the current issue of Scientific American Mind. Humor is desirable. It’s not like we don’t all know this; we all should take ourselves and our agendas less seriously, go easier on those we love, find something that is (or was) charming and loveable about our lover and rekindle that fire. Sex-perts will tell you that, in a social context, sex is all about power and conquest. Laughter is a way to reframe and snap out-of it. We are all too attached to our own funk. Give laughter a chance and some effort.

Tip # 2
Get snaps.
Snaps are fun. They can make you snap out of your funk as well as your clothes. No matter how you feel about yourself, snaps will do you good. Go shop for clothes with snaps. There are shirts, blouses, pants and lingerie with snaps, and it looks great with boots out on the town or in the bedroom. When is comes to happy sex, action is both the context and the message and snaps are always up-beat and tantalizing. You can get both sexy and silly with snaps.

Tip # 3
Snap!
Snap into happy-sex by embracing the sex-god/goddess in you. You know s/he’s in there somewhere. That wild, erotic creature can make your sex truly happy, and you know how. Sex is not about sex. Sex is about you. Sex makes you happy if you feel sexual and that is often the problem: not feeling sexy, sensual or even desirable. Sex should be good company, not a tyrant or a diva. Snap into it: Sex is like Christmas: it is not about the wrapping and it’s more about the giving than the getting. Be open to give and to get. Forgot how? Sick of sex? Sick of your partner? Put on your Santa hat and be generous. Help your partner snap into happy; do what you can to provide some escape and pretend life is careless and fun, every now and then, anyway. You can keep a snap! drawer in your mind, and in your bedroom too. In it, there is a rewind-button that takes you back to a good time; use your imagination. Life is short: shake the screen on your Magnadoodle and find your own funny-bone. On some level, happy sex is a decision. Don’t discount old, corny, funny movies to help jump-start your laughter. Go out together to see some fun show, music or comedian (wearing your snaps, of course).

Here are some related cheerful notes:

• lilac is the color of pleasure
• yellow is the color of excitement
• red is the color of passion
• iris is the blossom of sexuality
• rose petals signal – ready!
• sex is ruled by your senses – indulge them
• velvet is the fabric of luxury
• oil is the medium of many good things in the bedroom, if not in politics
• if all else fails, focus on the other extremities: rub feet, hands, head, ears
• Tantric sex? Why not look into it
• bring cherries and other fruits into the picture
• sex has a friend in your sense of humor

Enjoy!
~ Marit.

April 17 inner peace, part three
April 24 part four
May 1 mind over matter

©Marit Solheim-Witt, 2009

“Reveal beauty,
Inspire discovery
Create positive energy.”

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