The Muse # 65 inner peace, step 4: tolerate your fool

Everyone has an inner fool. If you think you don’t: that’s the one. One way or another, your inner fool comes up for air, time and again. You don’t have to act like the three stooges or be gifted with the sharp-witted tongue of Winston Churchill, just learn to tolerate your fool.

People confuse peace and comfort. There is a difference between being comfortable and being at peace. If you are at peace, you don’t fight discomfort. On the other hand, if you are at peace, comfort does not make you ill at ease either. Key to inner peace is not to be attached to your notion of being comfortable. If you are a perfectionist or a procrastinator (the two often go hand in hand) you have probably decided that you either don’t need or trust inner peace or that you don’t deserve it. If you are a grump, a slob or a slacker (or just in permanent denial) you’ve become a flog-in-the-closet addict and secretly love beating yourself or someone else up for not living up to your potential or doing all the stuff you know you’re hiding from.

How do you make peace with mistakes, embarrassment and the stress of discomfort?

By making peace with your inner fool, or, at least enjoy the scuffle. Your lack of inner peace has less to do with your distress or discomfort than with your resistance to it. Know this: What you resist will persist. It is an ancient Buddhist wisdom and a fact of physics. (I write myself daily reminders.) Upset and anger is always a result of resistance or denial. Stop resisting. Accept the situation. If you feel misunderstood, ignored, or taken for granted, if you just want to yell and lash out in anger, that’s just because your fool wants the payoff: A reason to yell, throw a fit, or flick someone off. You fool! If you use your energy on rage or to fight your options, you will miss seeing the opportunities. Frustration is the outcome of fighting your options. Your inner child may grieve the loss of a dream, but it is your inner fool that fights reality itself. You inner teacher knows to discern what is worth fighting for. Save your grit for that.

Inner peace is not as far fetched as it sounds.
While step one to inner peace is all about the ant (being responsible without letting it suck the life out of you) step four is all about the grasshopper: There is no peace in avoiding life’s obligations, but you’ve got to love that freewheeling grasshopper too. He lives in the moment. Like a fool worth his britches, he seizes the day, come what may. Carpe Diem is not just for warriors and crusaders. Truthfully, they are who they are because they either know enough to tolerate their fools or because they blissfully ignore the traps.

Recently, I heard a radio interview with British actor Michael Caine who said that at the end of his life, he’d rather regret something he’d done than something he had not done. Like, “better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” This philosophy of risk and acceptance of failure is an ability that will enhance your quality of life and bring you a step closer to inner peace. It is not about throwing out all caution, it is about that great gift of being able to laugh or raise your eyebrows at your self and then move on; it is about love and forgiveness.

So, A) stand up for your quirks and weaknesses, and B) don’t choke your partner, kids or siblings for discovering your blind spots and rubbing salt in them. Be loving and tolerant to your inner fool, and the folly of others. When you feel like a fool, you may be full of judgment and overpowered by a sense of betrayal, but instead of being angry or hiding under a pillow, learn to forgive and accept the lesson. Be your own best friend, your ego really isn’t. Your ego is a decent warrior, but it is all about itself and its preconceptions; and, your ego is either stuck in the future or in the past. The true power of inner peace arises from the courage of facing the moment and the faith in knowing that, at the time, you did the best you could. Could it have been better? Maybe. Apology in order? Perhaps. But, you can take some solace in the fact that your life is not about you at all. Life is about seeing, about opening your eyes and dancing while the music is playing, and sometimes making your own when it stops.

Inner peace is a discipline, not a state of mind, it is about being the advocate of what really is worthwhile and not the accuser of everything that’s not.

Give your loved-ones permission to be foolish and tolerate your own foolishness.

~ Marit.

The 4 steps to inner peace:

1) see the fog
give your fog a place to settle
Muse # 61

2) find your rhythm
be the source of your rhythm
Muse # 62

3) trust your inner teacher
stop, listen, know what you stand for
Muse # 64

4) tolerate your fool
seize the moment, love the least of you
Muse # 65

If I devote myself to other pursuits and contemplations, I must first see,
at least, that I do not pursue them sitting upon another man’s shoulders.
I must get off him first, that he may pursue his contemplations too.
Henry David Thoreau

May 1 mind over matter
May 8 what body?
May 15 wild ducks

The Muse # 64 inner peace, part three

Step One: see the fog
give your fog a place to settle
see Muse # 61

Step Two: find your rhythm
be the source of your rhythm
see Muse # 62

Step Three: trust your inner teacher
stop, listen, know what you stand for

You don’t have to be at peace to hear your inner teacher. A moment of silence, prayer, or a personal time-out will connect you to your inner voice – no need to text or dial anybody, just listen to the sound of your true self. Keep a charm or amulet with you at all times to help you stay in touch with what you stand for, what you most value. Little props help to support you and keep you focused on what matters and act accordingly.

Stress is like the spokes on a crooked wheel: it creeks and makes it hard to keep the going smooth or the tires rolling. Your inner teacher has a whole crew of coaches at his or her disposal to keep life in perspective and straighten things out. The coaches include your inner nurse, your inner trooper, and the angles on your shoulders. They represent three ways of processing your stress pragmatically.

Inner Peace Plan A
Whether your inner trooper is a warrior or a peacekeeper, he or she needs relief because this is your coping mechanism, your crisis manager. Your trooper is tired, most likely from digging out trenches and shooting from the hips; he or she is suffering from overload and lack of direction. Your trooper wants to act with integrity, but you keep throwing things at her (or him). With friends like you, who needs enemies? Give your trooper a hug, a cot, a blanket and a rest, then take walk; find a way to get outside and in touch with nature.

Inner Peace Plan B
Hurt and pain can get right in your face and will cause you to abandon what you truly treasure. In times of pain, find your inner nurse. H/she is the one with the Band-aids and the hot coco who will listen to your grief. Take a break and talk to your inner nurse. But, watch out: don’t think s/he’ll let you off the hook; before you think you are ready, s/he’ll drag you up and out of your self-pity, place and angel or two on your shoulders, and make you walk your talk. Tell your story all out, then move on.

Inner Peace Plan Z
Just like when you were a child, you still have angles on your shoulders that look out for you, but now they are usually embodied in real people or events. Be open to kindness and miracles. Peace comes in many sizes, and rarely in a clean, straight shot. Sleep on it. If you don’t make it through the night, turn on the light write out your troubles and your treasures.

Keeping your eye on what you treasure and your ear to your inner teacher will shift your focus from the battlefields, the scars and the broken wheel and turn it back to the destination and the journey. Keeping your eye on what you truly value is the centering, the place of peace that surrounds your true character; there is a blue print of it out there somewhere and your inner teacher has it. Inner peace is about integrity. This is where your inspiration meets your judgment. If you are out of touch or out of sync with this equation, look in the places, activities or people that inspire you the most and dig into why.

Don’t waste your energy on resisting a reality you don’t like or want, use what you treasure as your source of energy and focus on what to work for: Let that set your boundaries and stake out your ground.

Your inner teacher is wise, tough, brave and gentle to the world and to yourself.

~ Marit.

Muse News:
Find OOMuse on Twitter.com – meet the three muses and share in their escapades. Daily Tweets clue you in to their adventures, lamentations and revelations. The fun starts next week. You can also see the three muses twitter on The Muse’s blog: http://museofwindandwater.wordpress.com/

April 24 inner peace, step four
May 1 mind over matter
May 8 what body?
©Marit Solheim-Witt, 2009

“Reveal beauty,
Inspire discovery
Create positive energy.”

The Muse # 63 happy sex tips for the month of April

snap. snap. snap!

Sex has an image problem: Socially, it is haplessly caught between stigma and high expectations, either a burden or an obsession. On a personal level, once the honeymoon is over, sex is caught between relationship-issues and the to-do-list.

In our well-meaning efforts to analyze, improve and understand sexual relations, a fully irrational realm of human endeavor, we have inadvertently created a monster by conceding executive powers to these lower body parts; powers that are much too far-reaching for their own good. Really. Too often, one or both people in a relationship are stressed out by the issue of sex itself, thinking that either – sex is a problem, shouldn’t be a big issue at all, or resenting the fact that it has been demoted to a boring to-do list.

Recently, several pastors have preached the sex-everyday-sermon from their pulpits and encouraged married couples in their congregations to have at it daily, whether they feel like it or not, and witness how it will improve their marriage. The idea may have something to it – to just buckle up and welcome sex in marriage as a soulful discipline, not just for procreation or recreation. However, the thinking is skewed: add another dogma to the high expectations, guilt and relentless perfectionism that is already rampant in our daily lives? Daily sex may help for a while, but, of course, for most of us, it is not sustainable over the long term anymore than any of the other “alwayses” or “nevers.” Instead of sex as dogma, practice it as a soulful discipline and consider testing this hypothesis: if sex is happy, you will be happier and get more of it too.

How did sex get its image problem? An ego that is too big for its britches, of course. In other words, sex has a minority complex. Sex thinks it should be center stage, but once its there, the stage is never big enough. In a twisted way, our efforts to become more open and educated about sex have at once dehumanized and over-cultivated it. Like everything else in our consumer culture, sex has become about consumption. In reality, sex is a natural resource and should be encouraged as a creative act, not as an entitlement or an appliance. Like a good pet, sex should be nurtured. But, if sex were a pet, think of it more like a cat than a lap dog. How do we domesticate it? Analyze it? Tell it what to do? Good luck. Sex just wants to be happy. Here are some ideas to make sex more up-beat.

Tip # 1
Snap out.
Do what it takes to lighten up. If it takes a movie, a prop or a new place to do it: Cultivate your sense of humor. Think of it as a spring project. Explore your funny-bone and that of your partner’s. You don’t have to be motivated by sex to enjoy it, but humor makes you more attractive and does attract more of it. Whether you don’t want it enough or don’t get enough of it, snap out of your corner: Lighten up – How laughing makes you stronger, friendlier, sexier; that is the cover story on the current issue of Scientific American Mind. Humor is desirable. It’s not like we don’t all know this; we all should take ourselves and our agendas less seriously, go easier on those we love, find something that is (or was) charming and loveable about our lover and rekindle that fire. Sex-perts will tell you that, in a social context, sex is all about power and conquest. Laughter is a way to reframe and snap out-of it. We are all too attached to our own funk. Give laughter a chance and some effort.

Tip # 2
Get snaps.
Snaps are fun. They can make you snap out of your funk as well as your clothes. No matter how you feel about yourself, snaps will do you good. Go shop for clothes with snaps. There are shirts, blouses, pants and lingerie with snaps, and it looks great with boots out on the town or in the bedroom. When is comes to happy sex, action is both the context and the message and snaps are always up-beat and tantalizing. You can get both sexy and silly with snaps.

Tip # 3
Snap!
Snap into happy-sex by embracing the sex-god/goddess in you. You know s/he’s in there somewhere. That wild, erotic creature can make your sex truly happy, and you know how. Sex is not about sex. Sex is about you. Sex makes you happy if you feel sexual and that is often the problem: not feeling sexy, sensual or even desirable. Sex should be good company, not a tyrant or a diva. Snap into it: Sex is like Christmas: it is not about the wrapping and it’s more about the giving than the getting. Be open to give and to get. Forgot how? Sick of sex? Sick of your partner? Put on your Santa hat and be generous. Help your partner snap into happy; do what you can to provide some escape and pretend life is careless and fun, every now and then, anyway. You can keep a snap! drawer in your mind, and in your bedroom too. In it, there is a rewind-button that takes you back to a good time; use your imagination. Life is short: shake the screen on your Magnadoodle and find your own funny-bone. On some level, happy sex is a decision. Don’t discount old, corny, funny movies to help jump-start your laughter. Go out together to see some fun show, music or comedian (wearing your snaps, of course).

Here are some related cheerful notes:

• lilac is the color of pleasure
• yellow is the color of excitement
• red is the color of passion
• iris is the blossom of sexuality
• rose petals signal – ready!
• sex is ruled by your senses – indulge them
• velvet is the fabric of luxury
• oil is the medium of many good things in the bedroom, if not in politics
• if all else fails, focus on the other extremities: rub feet, hands, head, ears
• Tantric sex? Why not look into it
• bring cherries and other fruits into the picture
• sex has a friend in your sense of humor

Enjoy!
~ Marit.

April 17 inner peace, part three
April 24 part four
May 1 mind over matter

©Marit Solheim-Witt, 2009

“Reveal beauty,
Inspire discovery
Create positive energy.”

The Muse # 62 four steps to inner peace, part two

Let’s review the first step.

Step One: see the fog
Give your fog a place to settle.

You can do this by using a BE note with one to three qualities you want to exemplify throughout your day. The BE note is your peace flag. When you feel cornered and your blood starts to boil, visualize your BE note and then: BE that. Raise that flag on your vessel, take a deep breath and rise to it. Respond to life’s curve balls by asking yourself how you can BE the quality on your BE note in this new situation. It will both challenge and inspire you to actually be what you choose to be. Don’t practice perfectionism, practice achievement. In other words: shoot for the moon: be amazing. Then you’ll land among the stars: be empowered.

You may also want to establish an OH note: This is a place where you can let the fog of life settle by taking a minute and put down the stuff that is important but neglected. It is not a bad idea to have a tiny notepad with you in a pocket all day so you can jot down things as they pop up. Review these OH notes routinely, daily or weekly and choose an action item for your DO note. Small routines like this make a big difference on your scale of inner peace.

Step Two: find your rhythm
Be the source of your rhythm.

Life is change, change is life; but change is not what makes life peaceful. Change is the particle, the molecule that instigates movement, rhythm is the space. Your rhythm sustains you. It can, will and should change periodically. However, awareness of your rhythm is critical to inner peace. Tend to your rhythm: Notice if it has changed, how it has changed, or if it needs changing. If you lack elements of a constructive rhythm in your life, identify ways you can re-establish one.

What are elements that provide constructive rhythm? In truth, anything can: A regular walk or work-out routine; the newspaper and a cup of coffee in the morning; family dinners, a monthly book club meeting or attending community events like high school plays, games or professional athletic events, concerts etc.

Here are the three critical elements that provide a context for a peaceful, harmonious rhythm in life:

a time of solitude – connection with self, body and soul
a time of relationship – connection with another person, body and soul
a time of community – connection with the world, body and soul

If your rhythm is broken, resume it or renew it.

Our lives are connected, like parts in a musical. You are not the whole musical. You are not even the music. You are your song. What makes music interesting and pleasing is the connection we make to the various rhythms of the sounds and how we come to know the place to return to. Awareness of your rhythm is critical to inner peace.

Instead of having your fog be the context in which you operate, commit to your rhythm and let that be the context of your life. While you practice step one and step two of inner peace, here is something to muse on:

What musical are you in? What is your song?

Look for step three in two weeks.

~ Marit.

April 10 happy sex tips for the month of April
April 17 inner peace, part three
April 24 part four

©Marit Solheim-Witt, 2009

“Reveal beauty,
Inspire discovery
Create positive energy.”