The Muse # 63 happy sex tips for the month of April

snap. snap. snap!

Sex has an image problem: Socially, it is haplessly caught between stigma and high expectations, either a burden or an obsession. On a personal level, once the honeymoon is over, sex is caught between relationship-issues and the to-do-list.

In our well-meaning efforts to analyze, improve and understand sexual relations, a fully irrational realm of human endeavor, we have inadvertently created a monster by conceding executive powers to these lower body parts; powers that are much too far-reaching for their own good. Really. Too often, one or both people in a relationship are stressed out by the issue of sex itself, thinking that either – sex is a problem, shouldn’t be a big issue at all, or resenting the fact that it has been demoted to a boring to-do list.

Recently, several pastors have preached the sex-everyday-sermon from their pulpits and encouraged married couples in their congregations to have at it daily, whether they feel like it or not, and witness how it will improve their marriage. The idea may have something to it – to just buckle up and welcome sex in marriage as a soulful discipline, not just for procreation or recreation. However, the thinking is skewed: add another dogma to the high expectations, guilt and relentless perfectionism that is already rampant in our daily lives? Daily sex may help for a while, but, of course, for most of us, it is not sustainable over the long term anymore than any of the other “alwayses” or “nevers.” Instead of sex as dogma, practice it as a soulful discipline and consider testing this hypothesis: if sex is happy, you will be happier and get more of it too.

How did sex get its image problem? An ego that is too big for its britches, of course. In other words, sex has a minority complex. Sex thinks it should be center stage, but once its there, the stage is never big enough. In a twisted way, our efforts to become more open and educated about sex have at once dehumanized and over-cultivated it. Like everything else in our consumer culture, sex has become about consumption. In reality, sex is a natural resource and should be encouraged as a creative act, not as an entitlement or an appliance. Like a good pet, sex should be nurtured. But, if sex were a pet, think of it more like a cat than a lap dog. How do we domesticate it? Analyze it? Tell it what to do? Good luck. Sex just wants to be happy. Here are some ideas to make sex more up-beat.

Tip # 1
Snap out.
Do what it takes to lighten up. If it takes a movie, a prop or a new place to do it: Cultivate your sense of humor. Think of it as a spring project. Explore your funny-bone and that of your partner’s. You don’t have to be motivated by sex to enjoy it, but humor makes you more attractive and does attract more of it. Whether you don’t want it enough or don’t get enough of it, snap out of your corner: Lighten up – How laughing makes you stronger, friendlier, sexier; that is the cover story on the current issue of Scientific American Mind. Humor is desirable. It’s not like we don’t all know this; we all should take ourselves and our agendas less seriously, go easier on those we love, find something that is (or was) charming and loveable about our lover and rekindle that fire. Sex-perts will tell you that, in a social context, sex is all about power and conquest. Laughter is a way to reframe and snap out-of it. We are all too attached to our own funk. Give laughter a chance and some effort.

Tip # 2
Get snaps.
Snaps are fun. They can make you snap out of your funk as well as your clothes. No matter how you feel about yourself, snaps will do you good. Go shop for clothes with snaps. There are shirts, blouses, pants and lingerie with snaps, and it looks great with boots out on the town or in the bedroom. When is comes to happy sex, action is both the context and the message and snaps are always up-beat and tantalizing. You can get both sexy and silly with snaps.

Tip # 3
Snap!
Snap into happy-sex by embracing the sex-god/goddess in you. You know s/he’s in there somewhere. That wild, erotic creature can make your sex truly happy, and you know how. Sex is not about sex. Sex is about you. Sex makes you happy if you feel sexual and that is often the problem: not feeling sexy, sensual or even desirable. Sex should be good company, not a tyrant or a diva. Snap into it: Sex is like Christmas: it is not about the wrapping and it’s more about the giving than the getting. Be open to give and to get. Forgot how? Sick of sex? Sick of your partner? Put on your Santa hat and be generous. Help your partner snap into happy; do what you can to provide some escape and pretend life is careless and fun, every now and then, anyway. You can keep a snap! drawer in your mind, and in your bedroom too. In it, there is a rewind-button that takes you back to a good time; use your imagination. Life is short: shake the screen on your Magnadoodle and find your own funny-bone. On some level, happy sex is a decision. Don’t discount old, corny, funny movies to help jump-start your laughter. Go out together to see some fun show, music or comedian (wearing your snaps, of course).

Here are some related cheerful notes:

• lilac is the color of pleasure
• yellow is the color of excitement
• red is the color of passion
• iris is the blossom of sexuality
• rose petals signal – ready!
• sex is ruled by your senses – indulge them
• velvet is the fabric of luxury
• oil is the medium of many good things in the bedroom, if not in politics
• if all else fails, focus on the other extremities: rub feet, hands, head, ears
• Tantric sex? Why not look into it
• bring cherries and other fruits into the picture
• sex has a friend in your sense of humor

Enjoy!
~ Marit.

April 17 inner peace, part three
April 24 part four
May 1 mind over matter

©Marit Solheim-Witt, 2009

“Reveal beauty,
Inspire discovery
Create positive energy.”

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